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cell_destroyer

DiploGuard
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cell_destroyer last won the day on January 20

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About cell_destroyer

  • Birthday 01/01/1904

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  1. If the twitch nerd known as Pusan is around he can stream Alternatively, you can observe directly through the game itself in "Spectate games" if they're on your friends list you can find it very easy Also i stream some games through discord if you're there, are you on discord?
  2. Spencer changed to Reptile and kyle to sub zero after convincing arguments from Sir
  3. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE CoH 2 1v1 Tournament Tournament Standings/Scheduling/Info: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1HmMQqrA4H_kCieBqMq8MHFSLhFM2piOqsqsK7OYLzs4/edit?usp=sharing Rules: -Winner of the tournament gets double secret valued membership -Everyone plays each other twice in group stage, victory points will matter even in the case of a loss for qualification purposes. -Pona gets automatic qualification since its 13 people. Tournament group / round robin stage is composed of 3 groups with 4 people each: Group A, Group B, Group C. Best 2 of each group end up qualifying, and the best 3rd out of all 3 groups in terms of score (leading points differential) also qualifies. Quarterfinals are arranged like this: 1- Best out of group A plays against the 2nd best of group C 2- Best out of group B plays against 2nd best in group A. 3- Best out of group C plays against the third best qualified 4- Pona play against 2nd best in group B -Surrender will automatically give all victory points to the opponent (Ex: you surrender at you having 400 tickets left, this gives all 500 points to opponent and you end up with -500 differential automatically from that game alone) -Knockout rounds will be contested in a best out of 3 matches. Coin flip to decide who plays which faction on 3rd match was chosen by everyone who voted, because this generation apparently still lacks a god in their lives. -Observers will be allowed. You can spectate through the game itself or watch an observer’s stream (discord or steam). The game host has to set the observer delay to 3 minutes. -If a player doesn’t make it on time to the match (with a 20 minute wait time, can talk to his opponent to get more time), then he will forfeit the match and 500 points to the opponent (-500 to himself). You will be allowed ONE reschedule without penalty for group stage and TWO reschedules for knockout stages. -Abdel clause: Abdel gets to end a match before 5 minute timer if his kid starts crying as soon as he starts seeing him get btfo which forces him to afk. No results are given and match has to be replayed after as soon as he's available again. This can only be used ONCE in the entire tournament. -Map will be decided through a pool of 3 maps, one of the players must randomize the map using https://www.randomresult.com/pick.php (really fucking simple to use, just put the 3 numbers and it picks itself basically) or they can agree to a map before game begins: 1-Crossroads 2-Kholodny Ferna 3-Bayeux Cohmbatants Abdel After losing control of Diplo Gaming realm due to defeat at the hands of the mortal kombat character Kabal, he promised to shape events to fulfill his own vision of Diplo by eliminating every fagdick involved in the schism, except himself. Convinced of this plan, he used his power to read other people’s intentions and stole every soul weak-willed available, bestowing his powers upon them, mainly a colored name to fabricate a sense of value out of thin air, just like Allah is fabricated. Only willing to spare nitro booster’s lives, his goal was to seek immortality through forums that require monthly payments. Diplomunion has felt quite claustrophobic with elements of a cabin fever phenomenon, leading Abdel to show some niggardly behavior every now and then. Winning this tournament could be the breath of fresh air needed to unload the stress and finally give an actual reason to make his son cry. Archangel91 The elder gods were fully aware of the potential danger of allowing former wc3 player Archangel into the tournament, who’s at risk of getting absolutely pummeled by everyone through every hole in his body and automatically being the free win lifeline of the tournament. After being trained in the arts of company of heroes for a very short period of time, he secretly seeks to avenge the whipping and battering received from Pusan and prove to himself and others that he is not the worst CoH 2 player on the roster, with the objective of getting at least one win in a match. Cell The tournament organizer seeking to avenge the damage caused by Jimmy’s one-day tournaments and Spankfurt’s laissez-faire match scheduling, he took the reins in a desire to create his own failure. Ended up convincing people to participate in the most annoying way possible by throwing a spear into everyone’s buttholes. After witnessing the disintegration of long-time diploers and seeing his nation collapse under it’s own weight, the saltiness has rubbed all over him and become even mouthier than before as a result. One small leadership mistake is enough to get flashbacks of his dad beating him. Entering in CoH 2 at the same time as a few other Greecish gangers, the learning process consisted of 50 hours of getting dismembered in every game in a desperate endeavor to reach a decent level, with the goal of not being completely useless in every game, a goal yet to be proven. Whenever a game gets too tough, the mask is removed and a worms filled skull is revealed to try to scare the opponent into a surrender. Derdan Ex-banjoer and TERF feminist Derdan makes an unwelcome return to the gaming scene after going missing in action for years due to the amount of bullying he received from former teammates. In hopes of finding men to court, he finds out instead diplo was still filled with trannies, bear-type bodies, men pretending to be gamer girls and actual gamer girls. He sees this desolate wasteland and resolves to take a break from campaigning for Pete Buttplug to join the tournament. A veteran of company of heroes since the game came out, Derdan has finally a chance to be one of the top players in a landscape filled with fish out of water. After being endlessly mocked due to his poor showings in banjo, he vows revenge to show everyone involved that this was not satisfactory behavior. Dragon (not dragonleader) Pona’s twin brother from another mother, both living the life of one, speaking at the same time with the same words and suffering from the same kind of brain hypoxia. Representing warhaven, he's the only one that doesn't seem to be going through puberty and has within himself the power of the 1000 children in the community, being pona's strongest lieutenant. He joined the tournament after he was made an offer he couldn’t refuse, playing in the same tournament as pona and become a direct cheerleader for him or help him vanquish diploers who have better writing skills than him, which ends up being everyone but lawyer jimmy. dreamerdude Phalanx’s stuntman double who will perform as the stand-in for his absence in the tournament, dreamer promises to delete the COH 2 section as a tribute to his friend’s past actions. Gained notoriety as a COH 2 streamer, who’s commentary was so efficient he could almost make sense out of Jimmy’s conscript infantry movement. Having 2500 hours of COH 2 under his belt, he’s capable of drinking molotov cocktails before he throws them and spitting the fire out. He’s the prime candidate to take the title and abdel's wife after he's done stomping everyone else due to the thousands of years of experience accumulated in his body. Kylethejew Having been spoofed by multiple people before, his identity and origin are unknown, his name being recognized as a prolific game ruiner across every genre of warcraft 3 games with instant suicides of his army early and making ice clones to appear in different games that wouldn't do anything and disconnect within a minute. Whether it wasn’t actually him or perhaps aging has calmed down his attempts to troll games into premature endings, he has become one of the strongest contenders for the title due to his hundreds of hours on coh 2, as well as taking advantage of his playing time better than pusan who's too busy spamming rocket launchers. He enters the tournament in an attempt to try to protect his brother NumuKang from crime lord Pusan’s deadly influence and clearing his name once and for all. Numudan As the chosen one e-warrior, his identity is a mystery to everyone, even himself, leading many to suspect that his conception was the work of autism midichlorians. Hailing from Sweden, Numudan has had to grow up in one of the most cucked nations on Earthrealm, becoming a product of his environment. Referred to as Numutard or Numucuck, he was the hardest working monk in his gaming house temple, spending ⅔ of his life force honing his skills. He ended up migrating to wc3 to show how outrageously overrated trench was in ww1 ish, bicycle kicking him off the east front and conquering the hearts of everyone along the way through his youtube replays, as well as getting his nipples rock hard whenever there was microing involved in a game. Company of Heroes 2 being the latest addition to his list of 24/7 games, he enters the tournament as an excuse to get even more playing time. Spankfurt Banished from Earthrealm after he attempted to melt to death an entire division of sub-saharan african tribes with his spit acid due to after-effects of watching the first episode of Star Trek Discovery, he found shelter in Diplomunionrealm when Abdel promised him endless internet power and a royal position as his masturbating right hand. Brought into the company of heroes dimension thanks to the charity of soy candlemaker Burden, it is yet unknown how he will perform in the tournament without his surrogate daddy around and not being able to shout “PROTECT MY EMPLACEMENTS” to his teammates. Also known for never being able to perform on a wet cold rainy wednesday night in Stoke, he enters the tournament after taking a vow of revenge on anyone who claims he became 5’9 after losing his hair. Pewt / Raiden Warcraft 3 legend Poot used to be a young prodigy and rising star but his career was derailed after he met the B movie star known as Trench, who showed him how hopeless the human race was. This lead to him missing for half a decade on any kind of gaming and practice, due to his complete disgust for the community. Arriving with a pepperoni pizza slice in one hand and his mouse on the other, along with balding in his head and wrinkles in his balls, he gives off the Woody Harrelson in Kingpin vibe, with a few claiming he still has the magic while others claim he’s washed up due to no practice games. He enters the tournament to protect his family’s legacy as the gods of RTS and to show that talent is more important than hard work. Ponasozis Hailing from some literal who country, this warrior's age is somewhere between 10 and 55 and his mental age somewhere between 1 and 10. It is rumoured he spoke once during the schism 3 hour voice chat, sounding like a crushed nutsack rapidly deflating itself and being auto-tuned to sound as high as possible, even capable of surpassing Michael Jackson’s HEEE HEEEE. On the run after he sold his multi function massage couch ended up tickling a member of the Lithuanian cartel’s scrotum and whispering to his ear “i want your heresy inside of me” while he was having a nap, pona has been travelling to different countries with his father’s money, avoiding the inevitable bloodbath if he is found. While on the run, he managed to become emperor of Warhaven, which was made official once he received his burger king crown. He is ready to represent Warhaven and his entourage of armed children in the COH 2 tournament, a game he has mastered with his hundreds of hours and specializing in babalities. Pusan A mercenary, thug, extortionist who doesn’t hesitate to mute, kick or delete people through his eye laser to achieve his goals at the slightest hint of annoyance. Professing to be a leader of a large part of the community and promising to build a common haven for them for the 2070 Paradigm Shift, in rality he couldn’t even build a coffee table in minecraft. Despite his history of blowing up discords in anger at seeing MDE World Peace cancelled, he has managed to get away with it and become root admin once again. His isolationist methods make Abdel look like a highschool teenager at the lunch casino. Being a long-time player of CoH 2, he found another chance to abuse every strategy in the book against new players for the game, such as spamming snipers and rocket launchers, but now he sees his position in danger after all the training they have received, so he joins the tournament with his goal in mind of keeping everyone else down and distracting his mind from all the fires around him. Trench / Jimmy A new game, a new Jimmy Cage debut. Warcraft 3 superstar Trench arrives into CoH 2 with the most powerful PC in existance and cash flowing out of his pockets, making millions of dollars to make up for his broke grammar bank. Ever since his failed attempt at being a professional gamer, Jim has tried to master a variety of different games without any successful results, being borderline abortive in most of them. In effect, he has become somewhat of a mockery for only having one trick he could use in every game: his shadow kick. With the winning of this tournament he discovers a new purpose for his existence, he becomes competent at a game to atone for all his past sins and end his agony of having to message the banjo discord for a game after every defeat. And remember... Be aggressive, BE-E aggressive BE-E-A-G-G-A-R-E-E-S-S-I-V-E
  4. DG = DiploGaming DM = Diplomunion Match Recap - The Balanced Approach The stage was set for an expectedly explosive encounter between the 2 diplos and unfinished business between a group of humans with an unbelievable amount of bitterness and paranoia for one another. Nobody with half a brain expected everything to go smoothly but it takes a large amount of effort in attention to trivial matters in order to create a controversy before games even begin. Borscord was improvised as a neutral place for a simple chat meeting, but DM refused despite ¾ of it's team being there, which lead to bane high-pitched wail taunts and then shit started flying from one monkey to the other. Sides threatened to quit, channels were mini-schism’d with Spencer quitting borscord and 90 seconds passed until everybody remembered what they were here for, the games themselves. Here is where we reach Act II in the Diplo drama play. Gawain was given gamehost and next game would be hosted by DM, so as to dodge any favoritism claims. One could make the mistake of thinking that hosting should matter very little in a game that has the same server for most of the people included, but creating problems over nothing is a trait this community excels at. Leader’s homeschooling trained him his entire for this opportunistic moment, infiltrating the protected DM voice chat and taunting them into coming into the lobby, which lead to DM bringing their entire gang. This is where rules proceeded to be ignored by both sides. DM brought 4 people into a 3v3 match, Jim showed up armed with bike chain locks, Spencer wearing brass knuckles on each hand and Abdel holding a tiki torch. This lead DG to panic, which was brought forth by the thought that they would have to play X152 Leader. DG decided to flip the script and an emergency call was made for Scruffy (not a confirmed substitute) to come in, followed by Gawain starting the game faster than Spankfurt could utter the words “daddy”. DM debated heatedly in chat whether to play or not, with Burden shaking in his boots and tears rolling down his cheeks. Abdel took charge and goaded them on, threatening to take away their valued member status if they did not play, for which they all complied. Cell referee showed to weight less than a bag of popcorn and didn’t DQ anyone, as that would’ve halted the entire event, so all he could do was react to a ruined first match within the first 5 minutes, seeing as how cancerous 4v4’s are. First Match - 3v3 4v4 - Bane/Gawain/Fergus/Leader/Scruffy vs Abdel/Spankfurt/Trench/Burden A very controversial and muddled affair, showing the both the worst of human nature and the ugliest of it. With a DM team demoralized and a burden who’s legs were turning to noodle, Jim rose to the occasion by opening up a new business on his flank. Jim showed that he graduated within a month from Jim bags to Hotel Jimmy. Jimmy Deptos parked the bus on the right flank, placing his Jimmy 2 MG’s while Gawain ran out of the smoke after the one he used to get Scruffy into the game and was unable to make advances on jim’s flank for the rest of the game, shocking every viewer who expected Jim to be the worst player in the lobby. Abdel ceased and desisted in his flank attempt and basically treated Fergus like he was the bull, letting him hold his side for the rest of the game. In the words of Chip-On-Shoulder Inferous “Abdel resigned from his post”. This was later explained to be "Abdel's kid waking up" and him having to perform fatherly duties. However, rumours persisted that Abdel was the one who was crying on the floor after seeing the Fergus fortress, with his kid coming in to comfort him. Given that it was a 4v4, the game became a mortarfest in the middle. Burden thought he came into a meat factory and proceeded to put every unit of his into the grinder. He placed knives in the mouths of his infantry instead of machine guns in their hands and told them to try to take the victory point, leading to an innumerable amount of human losses. With each flank held by each team, DM managed to hold on for a while the 3v4, while DG celebrated in voice chat, bane started flossing in his underwear and everyone kept downing pints while strippers sat on each member’s lap. The match ended in "victory" for DG (analysis will be given at the end). Second match - Abdel vs Bane With DMs team in shambles and demoralized, Jim and Burden proceed to go to bed (together) to spend the night mourning. Concerned 2nd wife Arthos was begging abdel to stay home and not go to war, reminding him that he was facing a younger, smarter and heavier opponent, while Stormy reminded Abdel that his duty was holy war. But abdel knew the truth, eternal shame awaited if he didn’t play the next match. Meanwhile on the other side, DG team kept celebrating with little thought of consequence for the future. Blood analysis for drug performance testing between matches threw out the result that bane downed a gallon of beer between the first and second match. It was revealed that Bane’s training regime consisted of “stirring gummy bears in a couple of pots full of vinegar until they dissolved” while Abdel powerlifted coloured dumbbells and trained on a yoga mat with Phalanx for weeks. Bane still high from a controversial (((win))) on the first match, wanted to larp as americans in cold war against soviets while Abdel fully focused and started to visualize an ISIS beheading. What the audience met was a spaceman performance from bane who proceeded to almost pass out multiple times while still showing off his beer chugging skills. It began mostly even with bane building a fighting position in the middle of the map and Abdel charging down on it without giving him a Cease & Desist, leading to many russian deaths. Arthos entered the voice chat to give his lover's support and shouted ABDEL!?!? while this echoed in Abdel’s head, reminding him that he needed to get his shit together. Both kept moving like digital qudriplegics, and the match seemed like two people punching underwater to the audience, leaving them clueless on how these 2 have a combined playing time of 1000 hours. That was until Abdel brought out the T-70 and pushed bane out of the map like it was Project Phoenix getting deleted. This lead to bane building resentment toward his own command in his e-troops. They refused to come out of the base to fight, his american troops saying “I rather be lead by Lyndon B Johnson into a vietnamese prison camp”. Bane attempted a comeback by buying a Baneblade Sherman tank and proceeded to kill the t-70 but by then it was too late, he had bled more soldiers than DG bled members in the past months. Bane proceeded to pass out in his base with his 2 squads left and the match ended in victory for DM. Third Match - 2v2 “Tie”breaker - Fergus/Gawain vs Abdel/Spankfurt With Bane passed out and Leader practically unplayable, Fergus’ sweat was visible on his forehead when he saw his team partner, someone who struggled against the anti-win specialist, Jimmy. To the front of them, stood Spencer red faced, hands in his pockets and looking at the ground, with a few claiming to see a thousand yard stare in his eyes. Gawain got Abdel into giving into his map change demands, there are even rumours that Abdel agreed for Gawain to have a threesome with his family. The tableboard was set like Loki himself arranged it, Abdel on Gawain’s side while Spencer was placed in front of Fergus in a mirror British battle. An early clash of machine guns inside houses was had in the britishmen side while Abdel looked fatigue charging against MG head-on and Gawain managing to dislodge Abdel’s MG from his mosque. Gawain’s MG became the MVP as it psyched out Abdel into comitting incomprehensible sins such as placing a MG against an already covered MG while still on it’s firing arc. On the gentlemen’s side, began an arms race of mortar emplacements. Fergus built his first and began dropping Chicken McNuggets on Spencer’s machine gunners, being forced to retreat back to Canada and build his own mortar emplacement. Spencer ended up losing his mortar emplacement and was forced to move his food boxes to the other side of the field. Abdel came in to bail spencer out with a flanking while Gawain awaited a push by Abdel that never came. The flank worked but inexplicably failed to finish the mortar emplacement and gawain sent 10% of his forces to help Fergus out while this one built a BOFORs emplacement so far away from the middle it barely saw any action for the rest of the game. DG held the middle and all 3 VP’s while Abdel and Spank tried to conjure new breakthroughs with mixed success. Tanks started coming out, Fergus had manpower constrained due to his unused emplacements while Spencer had manpower constrained due to dead bodies. Abdel and Spencer seemed to have better coordination for attacking together, while Gawain held them courageously until he decided to debut the first suicide of the game, a Panzer IV. DM started a comeback and captured middle and built a BOFORs there that ended up destroyed within 2 minutes, once Fergus scrotum tickled Gawain into helping him in the middle. What began was a serious of suicides with Fergus suiciding 2 comets and a cromwell, Abdel suiciding 2 T34/85's, Spencer suiciding a Sherman Firefly and a Comet and Gawain suiciding a Flakpanzer and a tiger. The turning point came when Abdel lost his veteran squads to artillery strikes in an attempt to retake the middle with only 60 tickets left, the losses were so big that it was reported Jim woke up in the middle of his loud snoring, panting and whispering to himself “is somebody trying to copy me?”. With too few units to try to retake middle, DM ended up losing their last tickets, leading to a DG victory in the final match. Analysis Given both teams broke rules i can’t say either team deserved a victory for this one, whether formal one or by DQ. DM brought 4 players into the lobby knowing it was a 3v3 and Gawain proved to be an impulsive pre-ejaculating gamehost that started before anything could be settled, along with DG bringing Scruffy who was never the substitute and Leader around clearly able to play, which can be seen as ill-intentioned. I’m also not going to pretend DM wouldn’t have claimed a victory if they had won this match even against this new team, seeing as they kept on playing (and they would have been bantered if they left the match to remake it) so i’d say both sides have a blame of at least 70/30. My opinion is that the first match should be null. Until the first match 3v3 is properly replayed or a new series is played, i declare this one a DRAW (1-1) UNTIL NEXT TIME...
  5. Presenting the DiploGaming vs Diplomunion PPV which stands for Project Phoenix Viewing. The contest to end the grudge once and for all, a competition between the 2 schismed diplos in the fields of Company of Heroes 2. A match 9 months in the making where both sides agreed to terms after Abdel was promised the only set of keys to his house since the bull came in whenever he wanted to and Bane was promised a bar of soap. The match only involves directors (DM) and community leaders (DG) seeing as they're the "representatives", unfortunately neither have leadership skills. Don't miss it Thursday 10 pm EST TODAY (subject to changes due to dodging). Match anthem: Team Diplomunion Lineup Captain: Abdel / >Breslau Burden Trench] / Jimmy Substitute: Spankfurt Team DiploGaming Lineup Captain: Bane Ser_Fergus Gawain Substitute: Leader -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Match Format: Game of choice is Company of Heroes 2. Best out of 3 matches. The order is a 3v3 (possible 4v4 if subs play) to decide which diplo will implode faster through team toxicity. Then comes a 1v1 between Abdel and Bane so the healing process can continue. In the case of a 1-1 tie, a 2v2 tiebreaker will be played with the best and worst players on each team, based in results from the 3v3 match. Why best and worst? Because: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rules: -Incase of a disconnect, it will be a judgement call based on how far the game has progressed and the likelihood that the game was already decided by then. -All factions will be available to every player in each team, this is to avoid having a team playing with their weaker factions. Ignore pona’s crying of “muh game balance”. -Map for 1v1 will be Crossroads -Map for 2v2 will be Vaux Farmlands -Map for 3v3 will be Fields of Winnekedonk -Possible 4v4 map will be Road to Arnhem Taking suggestions for maps aswell -Observers will be allowed. You can spectate through the game itself or watch an observer’s stream (discord or steam). The game host has to set the observer delay to 3 minutes so as to avoid shenanigans of helping a team out. -There will be no waiting limit for a match to begin, no wins will be awarded if a team doesn’t make it because a win should only be counted on the battlefield, however banter privileges will be awarded if a team dodges. -Match has a rematch clause where losing team can give all excuses they want and demand a rematch -Derdan’s a cunt -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here's how the match originated (click on pics to enlarge): Burden: Where the hell is the real diplo, we've been walking for 10 months Spankfurt: Eagle i thought you said this was a shortcut to the coffee machine EagleMan: Proof? Abdel: Well is this a shortcut or not EagleMan: You're a shortcut *ring ring* Abdel: Oh oh, here comes the Cabal Bane: Where's your mommy e-thot? Bane: You know i understand that uh...You had to bring a female in... to change your underwear, stroke your ego.. thumbs up your foodboxes and wipe the coffee away from your bubbling lips.. ... Bane: Rub vaseline all over your hiney and tell you that your diplo is special and diferent from everyone elses EagleMan: He thinks we use vaseline Spankfurt: Eagle get back over here EagleMan: Oh no, i must retreat Abdel: I've had enough of you bane, this ceases right here, right now Bane: Wanna dance abdel? Or do you wanna eat dick Abdel: Come get a taste Bors: Oi !!! Bors: if ye r going to hae a fight, then don't forget the salty's ye snippy bitches Abdel: You dirtbags have been in third place for 5 months Bors: Aye? Well yeh’r about to be in... diplogaming.com... ….. Amber: NOT SO FAST YOU INGRATES TO BE CONTINUED... UNTIL THEN...
  6. until
    Game on sale until Dec 3: https://store.steampowered.com/app/266840/Age_of_Mythology_Extended_Edition/ AoM is on sale so you have no excuse to not buy it
  7. Absolute fucking disgrace of a game choice
    1. EagleMan

      EagleMan

      which game am I supposed to buy?

    2. cell_destroyer

      cell_destroyer

      both coh 2 (with 3+ factions DLC) and aom with the expansion

    3. EagleMan

      EagleMan

      The sales are secured

  8. Well that WoW classic queue cant be that bad of a wait in comparison to a bors praetorian release
  9. It was foreseeable, expect Abdel to raise tariffs for DiploGaming exports and Inferous to get valued member in 2021
  10. Coming up next, Abdel tries the super size me challenge by having an american cheese burger for breakfast daily for a month in his upcoming Ramadan Challenge
  11. Hey guys i'm outside discord and not using it i swear, it's just voice chat, reacting to a variety of posts and sending links through my abdelbots. It's not like i failed my own challenge within the minute
  12. The entire scheme is a shitpost anyways, the result of Abdel's late-night brainstorming session of "how can i increase activity in forum while not giving up any real degree of power?"
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