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cell_destroyer

DiploGaming vs DiploMunion: Match Recap

What do you rate the DG vs DM PPV in terms of entertainment? (Out of 5 stars)  

5 members have voted

  1. 1. What do you rate the DG vs DM PPV in terms of entertainment? (Out of 5 stars)

    • 5
      0
    • 4
      2
    • 3
      2
    • 2
      1
    • 1 (the Burden vote)
      0
  2. 2. Who was the MVP of the event?

    • Jimmy
      2
    • Ser_Fergus
      1
    • Gawain
      1
    • Abdel
      1
    • Spankfurt
      0
    • Bane
      0
  3. 3. Would you like to see a rematch?

    • Yes
      3
    • No (the Jimmy vote)
      2
  4. 4. Who was the Least valuable player?

    • Spankfurt
      0
    • Bane
      1
    • Arab man bad
      1
    • X152Leader
      1
    • Burden
      1
    • Gawain
      1


Recommended Posts

 

DG = DiploGaming

DM = Diplomunion

 

Match Recap - The Balanced Approach

 

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The stage was set for an expectedly explosive encounter between the 2 diplos and unfinished business between a group of humans with an unbelievable amount of bitterness and paranoia for one another. Nobody with half a brain expected everything to go smoothly but it takes a large amount of effort in attention to trivial matters in order to create a controversy before games even begin. Borscord was improvised as a neutral place for a simple chat meeting, but DM refused despite ¾ of it's team being there, which lead to bane high-pitched wail taunts and then shit started flying from one monkey to the other. Sides threatened to quit, channels were mini-schism’d with Spencer quitting borscord and 90 seconds passed until everybody remembered what they were here for, the games themselves. 

 

Here is where we reach Act II in the Diplo drama play. Gawain was given gamehost and next game would be hosted by DM, so as to dodge any favoritism claims. One could make the mistake of thinking that hosting should matter very little in a game that has the same server for most of the people included, but creating problems over nothing is a trait this community excels at. Leader’s homeschooling trained him his entire for this opportunistic moment, infiltrating the protected DM voice chat and taunting them into coming into the lobby, which lead to DM bringing their entire gang.

 

This is where rules proceeded to be ignored by both sides. DM brought 4 people into a 3v3 match, Jim showed up armed with bike chain locks, Spencer wearing brass knuckles on each hand and Abdel holding a tiki torch. This lead DG to panic, which was brought forth by the thought that they would have to play X152 Leader. DG decided to flip the script and an emergency call was made for Scruffy (not a confirmed substitute) to come in, followed by Gawain starting the game faster than Spankfurt could utter the words “daddy”. 

 

DM debated heatedly in chat whether to play or not, with Burden shaking in his boots and tears rolling down his cheeks. Abdel took charge and goaded them on, threatening to take away their valued member status if they did not play, for which they all complied. Cell referee showed to weight less than a bag of popcorn and didn’t DQ anyone, as that would’ve halted the entire event, so all he could do was react to a ruined first match within the first 5 minutes, seeing as how cancerous 4v4’s are.  

 

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First Match - 3v3 4v4 - Bane/Gawain/Fergus/Leader/Scruffy vs Abdel/Spankfurt/Trench/Burden

 

A very controversial and muddled affair, showing the both the worst of human nature and the ugliest of it. With a DM team demoralized and a burden who’s legs were turning to noodle, Jim rose to the occasion by opening up a new business on his flank. Jim showed that he graduated within a month from Jim bags to Hotel Jimmy.  Jimmy Deptos parked the bus on the right flank, placing his Jimmy 2 MG’s while Gawain ran out of the smoke after the one he used to get Scruffy into the game and was unable to make advances on jim’s flank for the rest of the game, shocking every viewer who expected Jim to be the worst player in the lobby.

 

Abdel ceased and desisted in his flank attempt and basically treated Fergus like he was the bull, letting him hold his side for the rest of the game. In the words of Chip-On-Shoulder Inferous “Abdel resigned from his post”. This was later explained to be "Abdel's kid waking up" and him having to perform fatherly duties. However, rumours persisted that Abdel was the one who was crying on the floor after seeing the Fergus fortress, with his kid coming in to comfort him. 

 

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Given that it was a 4v4, the game became a mortarfest in the middle. Burden thought he came into a meat factory and proceeded to put every unit of his into the grinder. He placed knives in the mouths of his infantry instead of machine guns in their hands and told them to try to take the victory point, leading to an innumerable amount of human losses. With each flank held by each team, DM managed to hold on for a while the 3v4, while DG celebrated in voice chat, bane started flossing in his underwear and everyone kept downing pints while strippers sat on each member’s lap. 

 

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The match ended in "victory" for DG (analysis will be given at the end).

 

Second match - Abdel vs Bane

 

With DMs team in shambles and demoralized, Jim and Burden proceed to go to bed (together) to spend the night mourning. Concerned 2nd wife Arthos was begging abdel to stay home and not go to war, reminding him that he was facing a younger, smarter and heavier opponent, while Stormy reminded Abdel that his duty was holy war. But abdel knew the truth, eternal shame awaited if he didn’t play the next match. 

 

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Meanwhile on the other side, DG team kept celebrating with little thought of consequence for the future. Blood analysis for drug performance testing between matches threw out the result that bane downed a gallon of beer between the first and second match. It was revealed that Bane’s training regime consisted of “stirring gummy bears in a couple of pots full of vinegar until they dissolved” while Abdel powerlifted coloured dumbbells and trained on a yoga mat with Phalanx for weeks. 

 

Bane still high from a controversial (((win))) on the first match, wanted to larp as americans in cold war against soviets while Abdel fully focused and started to visualize an ISIS beheading. What the audience met was a spaceman performance from bane who proceeded to almost pass out multiple times while still showing off his beer chugging skills. It began mostly even with bane building a fighting position in the middle of the map and Abdel charging down on it without giving him a Cease & Desist, leading to many russian deaths. Arthos entered the voice chat to give his lover's support and shouted ABDEL!?!? while this echoed in Abdel’s head, reminding him that he needed to get his shit together. 

 

Both kept moving like digital qudriplegics, and the match seemed like two people punching underwater to the audience, leaving them clueless on how these 2 have a combined playing time of 1000 hours. That was until Abdel brought out the T-70 and pushed bane out of the map like it was Project Phoenix getting deleted. This lead to bane building resentment toward his own command in his e-troops. They refused to come out of the base to fight, his american troops saying “I rather be lead by Lyndon B Johnson into a vietnamese prison camp”.

 

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Bane attempted a comeback by buying a Baneblade Sherman tank and proceeded to kill the t-70 but by then it was too late, he had bled more soldiers than DG bled members in the past months. Bane proceeded to pass out in his base with his 2 squads left and the match ended in victory for DM.

 

Third Match - 2v2 “Tie”breaker - Fergus/Gawain vs Abdel/Spankfurt 

 

With Bane passed out and Leader practically unplayable, Fergus’ sweat was visible on his forehead when he saw his team partner, someone who struggled against the anti-win specialist, Jimmy. To the front of them, stood Spencer red faced, hands in his pockets and looking at the ground, with a few claiming to see a thousand yard stare in his eyes. Gawain got Abdel into giving into his map change demands, there are even rumours that Abdel agreed for Gawain to have a threesome with his family.

 

The tableboard was set like Loki himself arranged it, Abdel on Gawain’s side while Spencer was placed in front of Fergus in a mirror British battle. An early clash of machine guns inside houses was had in the britishmen side while Abdel looked fatigue charging against MG head-on and Gawain managing to dislodge Abdel’s MG from his mosque. Gawain’s MG became the MVP as it psyched out Abdel into comitting incomprehensible sins such as placing a MG against an already covered MG while still on it’s firing arc. 

 

On the gentlemen’s side, began an arms race of mortar emplacements. Fergus built his first and began dropping Chicken McNuggets on Spencer’s machine gunners, being forced to retreat back to Canada and build his own mortar emplacement. Spencer ended up losing his mortar emplacement and was forced to move his food boxes to the other side of the field.

 

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Abdel came in to bail spencer out with a flanking while Gawain awaited a push by Abdel that never came. The flank worked but inexplicably failed to finish the mortar emplacement and gawain sent 10% of his forces to help Fergus out while this one built a BOFORs emplacement so far away from the middle it barely saw any action for the rest of the game. DG held the middle and all 3 VP’s while Abdel and Spank tried to conjure new breakthroughs with mixed success.

Tanks started coming out, Fergus had manpower constrained due to his unused emplacements while Spencer had manpower constrained due to dead bodies. Abdel and Spencer seemed to have better coordination for attacking together, while Gawain held them courageously until he decided to debut the first suicide of the game, a Panzer IV.

 

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DM started a comeback and captured middle and built a BOFORs there that ended up destroyed within 2 minutes, once Fergus scrotum tickled Gawain into helping him in the middle. What began was a serious of suicides with Fergus suiciding 2 comets and a cromwell, Abdel suiciding 2 T34/85's, Spencer suiciding a Sherman Firefly and a Comet and Gawain suiciding a Flakpanzer and a tiger.

 

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The turning point came when Abdel lost his veteran squads to artillery strikes in an attempt to retake the middle with only 60 tickets left, the losses were so big that it was reported Jim woke up in the middle of his loud snoring, panting and whispering to himself “is somebody trying to copy me?”. With too few units to try to retake middle, DM ended up losing their last tickets, leading to a DG victory in the final match.

 

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Analysis

 

Given both teams broke rules i can’t say either team deserved a victory for this one, whether formal one or by DQ. DM brought 4 players into the lobby knowing it was a 3v3 and Gawain proved to be an impulsive pre-ejaculating gamehost that started before anything could be settled, along with DG bringing Scruffy who was never the substitute and Leader around clearly able to play, which can be seen as ill-intentioned. I’m also not going to pretend DM wouldn’t have claimed a victory if they had won this match even against this new team, seeing as they kept on playing (and they would have been bantered if they left the match to remake it) so i’d say both sides have a blame of at least 70/30. My opinion is that the first match should be null.

Until the first match 3v3 is properly replayed or a new series is played, i declare this one a DRAW (1-1)

 

UNTIL NEXT TIME...

 

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Edited by cell_destroyer

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